*Disclaimer: It is not my intent to recruit people to resign from the church. Rather, this is is meant for those that have already decided the church is not for them, they don’t believe, etc. but have allowed their fear to hold them back. It is a call for authenticity, to live your own life. It might serve as a good education to those within the church to begin to understand the strong fears, reservations, and pain held by those wanting to leave or who have left.

Fear.

It’s probably your biggest obstacle.

It makes me heartbroken to hear people say that they are stuck, that they “can’t” leave the LDS church. This exact phrase comes up all the time. I’ve totally been there, and I get it. You feel completely cornered. At the same time though, is it really that you can’t leave? Is it? 

No. 

You absolutely can. The more appropriate question is: are you willing to?

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t or even shouldn’t terrify you to the core. Completely changing your whole life around is daunting, especially the more established your roots are. However, I think it should be equally (if not more) terrifying to consider living an entire life keeping your real self hidden. I hate the saying, but, YOLO. Really, though. It’s YOUR life. Why spend it living it as someone else? Wasting another day swallowed up in guilt or self-loathing? Why pretend to go along with teachings if your gut tells you otherwise? If you’re a parent, what are you teaching your children by doing so?

If there was anything I wish to impart about this whole process, it’s DON’T WAIT. Don’t waste another day living a lie. You are not serving yourself nor those around you by living a lie. The irony is you are probably not happy anyway. If you are unhappy anyway, wouldn’t it be better to take the risk and at least work towards other possibilities?

Is moving on hard work? Absolutely. Can it be extremely painful? Duh. But I believe the payoff to living an authentic life is priceless. I think someone once said:

Mae West, guys. Google it.

Don’t let the fear of leaving the church stop you from taking charge of your own life.

Fear. It’s a bitch. It’s a hard thing to overcome for anyone. But it’s a shitty thing to let that get in the way of what you want, especially huge rewards at stake like freedom, happiness, and peace. Ask yourself this: if you left the church, what’s the absolute worst thing that would happen? I’m guessing the answers here go something like this:

• My spouse/partner would leave me, or it would cause World War III in my marriage/relationship.
• Family members would be disappointed in me, ostracize me, or even disown me.
• I will lose friends, or the quality of those friendships will suffer.
• I’ve raised my kids in the church, and I don’t know how to uproot them from all they know.
• My career will suffer, I will lose clients, etc.
• I won’t be able to bear walking around knowing others are judging me.
• I won’t be with loved ones in the afterlife, be in a separate kingdom etc.

This is a small list, but these are the ones that come to mind as the biggest. I can’t say that I know what each one of these situations feels like specifically, and in the future I plan to have guest writers contribute their experiences in areas I lack. But the bottom line is this: I know fear. We all do. Do we let it win, or do we fight it? The consequences of the former can lead to a wide range of physical, emotional, and mental ailments (see https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/impact-fear-and-anxiety.)

I just came across a perfect section about this very thing in Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. She says:

“If you’re like me, practicing authenticity can feel like a daunting choice–there’s risk involved in putting your true self out in the world. But I believe there’s more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness. I think we should be born with a warning label similar to the ones the come on cigarette packages: Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief. Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it. Yes, there can be authenticity growing pains for the people around us, but in the end, being true to ourselves is the best gift we can give the people we love….”

Sound familiar? I think we have all experienced this to some degree. Those are big prices to pay. Some unfortunately pay the ultimate, catastrophic price because they are so afraid. Our culture is not immune to the opioid epidemic, and I’m sure you know someone who has OD’d. Many of you also probably know of someone who has committed suicide. This is an issue that has gotten a lot of attention lately, particularly for the LGBTQ community. What a tragedy that fear can be so powerful that someone would choose to end their life rather than come to terms with it.

If I can do it, so can YOU!

So here I am pouring out my soul on the internets to people I don’t even know. Or to people I do know, but that I have never expressed any of these things to, including some members of my own family. What are people going to think? What if some super LDS parents of my kids’ classmates that get wind of this blog and won’t let their kids play with my kids? I mean, OMG!! Part of me is completely terrified of what people will think and say. In the beginning, my #1 concern in starting this is having some of the most personal parts of my soul being ridiculed and belittled by trolls.

But here we are. I guess for me, I feel the potential benefits outweigh the risks. Guys, I am not some unique courageous lion here; if I can be honest with myself and others, so can you. If I can deal with the ramifications, you’re no different. Everyone can be powerful, everyone can find courage. Win-win situations ARE possible. So where to now? Here’s a line taught to me by some of the bravest people I know: 

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