Hey, I’m Jen.

I am the product of an LDS family, raised right in the heart of Utah County. I practiced the religion, often begrudgingly, until I officially resigned from the church in 2016. My departure was a long, painful, and drawn out process over the span of many years. I have navigated through many phases and emotions. Today, I feel mostly healed; however scars remain, and pains still resurface. Reminders and events open up old wounds, triggering emotions in an almost PTSD way. I have realized that this is unfortunately inevitable, living in Utah. We are obviously constantly surrounded by the church’s dominant presence in so many facets of life.  But now, when things come up, I am quicker to process and bounce back. I spend much less time in anger or bitterness.

For my full story, click here.

My life isn’t perfect, and I certainly am not, but I know that overall I am a damn good person. One who still possesses strong morals and ethics! I have created a great life for myself with my husband/BFF of almost 19 years, and we have two wonderful kids.  We have great family and friend relationships. I have a challenging career, spanning about as long as we’ve been married. All of this, including many hobbies and passions, fill our time. Basically, I am so much happier and more at peace than I have ever been, exceedingly more than I ever found inside the church. (I had to throw in that “exceedingly” somewhere. Is that word used anywhere outside of a pulpit?? It’s a pretty stupid word.)

What I know from my journey, especially the early stages, is how utterly isolating it can be. It can be really difficult to talk about these things, especially if you feel there isn’t anyone in your life who gets it. At church, many in the masses have their perfection masks donned and those church answers prepared and at the ready, so it is easy to feel like you are the only one with any doubts or problems. I have talked to soooo many people in the same boat as I have been, but feel too alone or scared or unsure what to do. They remain stuck in that awful state of limbo that I spent so many years in.  That place SUCKS and it makes my heart hurt to know there are those out there trying to survive in that space. Ergo, this blog.

What I hope to accomplish

My mission (pun intended) is twofold: 

1. First is more of a selfish reason. Writing has always been a very therapeutic outlet for me, and so I myself have something to gain here. If all else fails, this can be a [time consuming] cathartic online journal where I can get a lot off my chest. I try to be an open book. Swearing is a thing for me, so there’s that. I use a lot of movie references and I love gifs and memes. But seriously, I really do hope to keep things as light as possible for what can be a dark and painful subject. I guess it helps that I can be pretty weird and silly. And a little irreverent. 
2. In knowing that there are many others out there that are feeling and experiencing many of the same things, I have felt compelled (or “prompted” if you will), to write about this. THIS IS NOT A VICTIM STORY. I share what is in my heart in hopes that someone out there can know they are not alone in how they feel. And maybe feel empowered to take a step to changing their life to what they want it to be. Most of all, I’m just embracing what my patriarchal blessing says about me. Not sure this is exactly what someone had in mind, but….

The irony, hahahaha!

My hope is that some of you can find the courage or strength to live a life of authenticity and peace, whatever that looks like. There’s no reason why any of us should go this alone. There is often a strong sense of kinship within the church; we should have the same on the outside. I believe we can create a sense of community where we can find respect and support while creating clarity, hope, internal peace and acceptance within ourselves and with each other.

What this blog isn’t

This is not meant to be an anti-Mormon site. Many of my family members and friends and neighbors are actively practicing members of the church. I do my best to respect their beliefs and desire to be part of it all. Plus, being anti-anything doesn’t serve anyone. Nobody needs to be absorbed in all those negative feelings. I believe it’s much better use of time and energy to take a stand FOR something, like authenticity or personal peace, rather than AGAINST something, like the church.

This is also not a place where you will find all the research proving how the church and is doctrine is not true. There’s more than enough information out there if that is your thing. Rather, I focus more on how I FEEL in relation to the church and its doctrine, and how I have coped or still work to cope on dealing with those feelings.

Having said all of that, there is certainly an amount of anger and bitterness to be shared, from me and I would think from anyone who chooses to participate in any conversation. Those feelings are a normal part of the process…we just don’t want to spend all our time there.